God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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