So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
