actually, I'm a sock model
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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