I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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