Im at strip club and am horny
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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