I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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