sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
