I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
