I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
