all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
