Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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