Plan B is the new Plan A
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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