Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
