I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
