i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
