She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
