I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
