All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
