I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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