6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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