K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Boobs speak an international language.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
