you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
