ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
