So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
