all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
They have beer where we have blood.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
