I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
