Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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