Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
