I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
