well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
