Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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