why im i the only drunk person in the library?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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