none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
