Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
What happened to fro yo and sex?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
