the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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