3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
