to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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