Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
