I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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