I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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