duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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