My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
