I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
