It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
