Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Randomize
