just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
