I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
His nipple licking is glorious
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