did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
