my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
