Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Congratulations! We have a period
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