cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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