Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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