We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
