Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
